Our habits of interacting and behaving in relationships is largely characterised by our attachment style. Our attachment style can impact our adult relationships in many ways — our view of intimacy, the way we deal with conflict, our attitude towards sex, our ability to communicate needs and wishes, and expectations from partners and the relationship. The three main attachment styles you’ll see dotted around psychology books include:
Secure attachment (50%) individuals who feel comfortable with intimacy, who are characterised by being warm and loving
Anxious attachment (20%) individuals who crave intimacy, spend a lot of their mental energy on relationships and worry about their partner leaving them or not loving them back
Avoidant attachment (25%) individuals who equate intimacy with a loss of independence and so try to minimise closeness and togetherness with their partner
Where does my attachment style come from?
Your attachment style is based on your first relationship, which is usually with your caregivers and/or parents.
Secure attachments can develop from a relationship in which we believe that our needs will be met by our caregiver. Caregivers are sensitive, consistent, leading the child to feel able to explore and happily come back to their secure base.
Anxious attachments can develop from a relationship in which we cannot rely on our needs being met by our caregiver. Caregivers are inconsistent — sometimes sensitive, but other times neglectful. This leaves the child feeling anxious, insecure and angry.
Avoidant attachments can develop from a relationship in which we subconsciously believe that our needs probably won’t be met. Here, caregivers are distant and disengaged. This leads to the child feeling emotionally distant.
Can I change my attachment style?
‘Oh no! I show signs of being anxiously attached to my partner, I’m never going to have a healthy relationship!’ Fortunately, this is not the case. On average, one in four people can change their attachment styles over a four-year period. And so, being aware of your attachment style and protest behaviours (how you deal with your attachment style and unmet needs) is the best place to start.
What are protest behaviours?
Protest behaviours are actions to re-establishing connections with your partner when you feel that your needs are unmet. If protest behaviours are understood by your partner, they can be resolved easily. However, if your needs continue to be unmet, protest behaviours can become harmful.
Protest behaviours can look like:
- Excessive attempts to re-establish contact
- Withdrawing — pulling away from your partner
- Threatening abandonment
- Manipulations
- Attempting to make your partner feel jealous
Before we continue: compassion check-in!
‘oh god, I’ve done these behaviours before, it’s all my fault my relationships don’t work out, I’m toxic!’
Firstly, we all have attachment styles, where these attachment styles originate are not your fault, your protest behaviours are not your fault because they are based on your needs being unmet! It’s important to understand that these protest behaviours worked for you in childhood (for eg, withholding affection from a caregiver may have gotten you affection/attention in return), and so it’s only common sense that you’ve moved them along to your adult relationships.
And so, there is no blame/shame that comes with protest behaviours — they are based on a dynamic that is built between two people in a relationship, that will commonly shift as the relationship progresses and changes over time.
‘okay so it’s my partner’s fault for not meeting my needs!’
Well, this is not necessarily true either. It really depends on how you are communicating your needs in an upfront, assertive, healthy manner. If we chose protest behaviours before even communicating our needs, how can we expect a healthy relationship to flourish?
So what now?
Some starters, some things to consider, some steps.
- Listen to how you feel in a relationship if you want to know your partner’s attachment style — do you feel neglected? Do they send mixed messages? Do they disregard your emotional well-being? If you communicate your needs in a healthy, authentic manner and they are still unmet, it may not be the best relationship for you to stay in.
- Accept your needs — having needs doesn’t make you needy. We all have needs, especially in a romantic, intimate relationship. This doesn’t make you faulty. If your partner makes you feel bad for your emotional needs, it again may not be the best relationship for you to stay in.
- Authentically communicate your needs — your needs cannot be met if you don’t communicate them. Your partner cannot mind-read. If you chose protest behaviours as opposed to communicating needs, it’s a recipe for disaster. This is because two people’s protest behaviours will be communicating with each other, as opposed to two authentic adults asking for what they want from a relationship.
- Work on increasing your self-worth — anxious and avoidant attachment styles come from the same belief that a partner will not be able to meet their needs (the prior give their all to get their needs met, whereas the latter disengage). If you have a belief that you will be able to manage regardless of how this relationship develops, this will put less pressure on a relationship of perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist, you will argue with your partner (and it will be a good thing!)
- You may not be compatible to your partner and that’s okay! Unfortunately, the most difficult and straining relationships arise from an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment. This is because one seeks intimacy while the other pushes it away. It’s draining for both parties and is unlikely to continue. That’s okay. You won’t always be compatible with those you like. Weigh up your pros and cons, do you spend more time wanting the relationship to work as opposed to the relationship actually working?
Remember that despite what attachment style you have and your partner has, it can change if you work on your protest behaviours and communication of your needs. As always, awareness and education are the first steps.
